Warning, we’re going to get real deep here, lol!
I have been traveling Europe on my own for a while. I think I was hoping to find a little independence, that maybe I would overcome some of my anxieties and fears, and learn about myself; but instead I learned about the way of the world around me. The ebb and flow of fortune and misfortune, and the absolute randomness of life events and the absence of any control we have over them.
I will always have a difficult time with faces and names. I’ll never have a truly good memory. I will always be inattentive and disorganized. I will lose my things. But after all, they are just things. I will miss trains and get lost in unfamiliar places. But I will always find my way again.
I will probably be ashamed from time to time. I will be a burden to others on occasion. But I have learned that everyone has traits that others will find difficult. No one is perfect in any sense. People who don’t enjoy my company do not deserve it after all.
It is not karma or bad luck or some silly curse of misfortune, it is an imbalance in my mind, therefore I am the way I am. I will always be this way. And so I am forced to accept this. And I am certain that confidence and independence will follow shortly after.
If you live with memory loss, an inattentive disorder, social anxiety, or adhd, know that you are not alone. The world will not end by your mistakes, you will continue on, and you mustn’t linger on your misfortunes once they have occurred. Nothing good will ever come of it. You can cry. You can break down, but then you gather yourself and stand up again, for no one can change the past. Sometimes people will not understand why you are the way that you are, and that is ok. You do not always understand others either. But you do not need approval from anyone.
Do what makes you as happy as you can be. If that requires taking medication, or learning to cope in your own ways, then that is what you should do. Do not let others tell you otherwise. but do not seek a cure. For none exist. You are perfect the way you are. You don’t require validation from others, your own happiness is what defines you. Speak to someone, share your feelings. Find someone who understands you and can remind you that you will be alright.
Smile everyday, sing even if you don’t know the words, dance, laugh at yourself, tell yourself you are beautiful everyday, you will believe it eventually, travel, try new things, fall in love, do things that scare you. Be true to yourself, and be kind to everyone you meet, as everyone has their own story. Remember that your fear is full of shit. You are stronger and braver than you could ever know. Accept who you are, you are the only you, amongst billions. You will always find your way.
“You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and stars. No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should” – desiderata